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Dragonlord: Black wings of destiny
20/04/11 || InquisitorGeneralis
“Black Wings of Destiny” makes me sad.
Get it? Sad? “Sad Wings of Destiny”? Fuck off, you listen to some Dragonlord and let’s see what you come up with, fucko.
“Black Dongs in a Whore Named Destiny” has an aggregate score of 90% on Metal-Archives.com which is a truly amazing fact because it sucks a big fat Wyvern cock from its cheesy beginning to its painfully distant end. The three bozos who took the time to praise this jug of assmilk all probably believe themselves to be Dragonlords. Sorry guys, but a helm made from your tricycle helmet, some tin foil, and a Burger King Birthday crown along with a WWE Championship belt and a plastic sword doesn’t make you a lord of anything except your parents’ basement and/or the local comic shop. I rate their coverage of “Burnt Buns of Hot Doggery” up there with the Warren Report in terms of accuracy and correct findings.
Why do I hate this you ask? Because it is symphonic black metal played by a bunch of yahoos from California who proudly rock the corpse paint. Imagine if Behemoth was from San Francisco or if Dimmu Borgir sucked more than they already do.
Hey fellas, let us go forth to the Mvssion Dvtrict where we can
research green energy and drvnk mocha lattes spiced with the blood of
hipster children!!!
What the hell is there be dark and evil about from there? Oh wait, Nancy Pelosi represents that city. Maybe the dark lord truly does have a home near the Presidio. The Bay Area may have been a hotbed for metal awesomeness twenty five years ago, but things have certainly changed. Here’s the real humdinger, Dragonlord is fronted by Eric Peterson; long-running guitarist for Testament. Now, I have praised Peterson’s work with Testament many times and I think the dude is one hell of a player when he is not playing stupid-as-fuck symphonic black metal. Legendary bassist Steve DiGiorgio even had a hand in this crap when the band was formed but thankfully he was long gone into the dark aeternal night by the time “Black Wings of Destiny” unfurled its crappiness for all to laugh at. Forgive me Eric, for I know exactly what I do…
Not even a production courtesy of Peterson and legendary Swedish producer Fredrik Nordstrom can save this dud. There are some parts where, for a brief second, you forget that this record is full of awful synthesizers and vocals that sound like a cat being ass-raped by a Brahma bull. However, these moments of genuine ass-kicking are far too few and brief and are completely overshadowed by repetitive blasting, terrible vocals, and the synthesized symphonic suckness deluxe. You can pinpoint exactly when the keyboards will kick in. I don’t need to individually dissect each song on here; there are some decent riffs and drumming courtesy of Sadus skinsmen Jon Allen, but the symphonic elements annihilate anything positive. If you have ever read my bullshit here before, you know I don’t like black metal and I don’t like symphonic metal. “Black Wings of Destiny” is not a match made in heaven, or hell, or a Dungeons and Dragons themed speed dating seminar. The production is good, that’s about the only ground I’ll cede.
At the end, to finish things off with gusto, Dragonlord takes it to Thin Lizzy and Mercyful Fate with a pair of genuinely bad covers. I’m sure it won’t be long until King Diamond joins Phil at the big pub in the sky and those two discuss how “Black Wings of Destiny” took a big dump on their reputations. All kidding aside, it hurts me (just a little bit though) to be so cruel to something that is the brainchild of an artist whose other work I enjoy so much. But, Dragonlord really is terrible. You would think this is a joke like Hateplow or Austrian Death Machine, but sadly it’s not. I am sure there are some people around here who will dig this record, but nothing about appeals to me whatsoever. Sorry guys, you lose 15 mana and health points. My verbal mace is enchanted with a tasteful hate spell. Bonus.
The other guitar player in the band is named Claudeous Creamer. That’s right folks, Creamer. Do I even need to make a joke about that? Your mom calls me Creamer; I’ll give you three guesses why. Here’s a hint, Coffee is not involved.
Eric Peterson, it’s a good thing that this side project of yours is now comfortably resting six feet deep. Stick with Testament, write “The Gathering: Part II”, and leave the corpse paint to the real morons who have grvm, sad existences without a goddamn thing to live for.
You know, Norweigans.
Snappe!
- Information
- Released: 2005
- Label: Escapi Music
- Website: www.enterthedragonlord.com
- Band
- Eric Peterson: vocals, guitars
- Claudeous Creamer: guitars
- Steve Schmidt: bass
- Lyle Livingston: keyboards
- Jon Allen: drums
- Tracklist
- 01. The Becoming of
- 02. The Curse of Woe
- 03. Revelations
- 04. Sins of Allegiance
- 05. Until the End
- 06. Mark of Damnation
- 07. Blood Voyeur
- 08. Fallen
- 09. Black Funeral (Mercyful Fate cover)
- 10. Emerald (Thin Lizzy cover)
